she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
soo... how was my night?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
