I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
