he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
