When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
