How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
