I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
