There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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