New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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