i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
