so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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