Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
