I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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