y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
