my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
