I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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