i think my tv is drunk
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
