I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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