she kept yelling 'call me bella'
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
