So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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