I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
