Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
