I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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