eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
