note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
