you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
