Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Michael Bay diarrhea
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
