Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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