Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
