I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
