I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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