Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
