I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
