I'm lost and stupid without you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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