If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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