A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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