he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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