WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
