So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
