he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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