pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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