just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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