I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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