I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Who put my cat in the fridge?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
