your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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