She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
