i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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