My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
