woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize