dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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