i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
