I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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