her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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