dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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